


The Perfect Human Specimen

by Anonymous



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Background Keith/Pidge, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Humor, M/M, Matt-Centric, Miscommunication, Multi, background Hunk/Lance - Freeform, broganes, non-endgame Hunk/Matt, non-endgame Keith/Matt, non-endgame Matt/his one-night stands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 05:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11247168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Every single person that Matt encounterseverloves Takashi Shirogane, who just so happens to be an absolutedick.  Matt doesn't get it.





	The Perfect Human Specimen

**MATT’S SHORT-LIVED GIRLFRIEND**

“Ugh,” says Matt angrily.  He’s in line in the lunchroom, waiting to get his daily dose of nutritious but disgusting soylent meal replacement knockoff.  “There he goes again, with his militarily inappropriate but still badass undercut and his stack of books.”

“Who?” says Becky, Matt’s girlfriend.

 _“Him,”_ seethes Matt, glaring daggers with his eyes.  Across the room, a young man carrying a stack of books and an apple trips, but his books fall flawlessly on a lunch table.  He catches the apple with his mouth, and proceeds to casually take a bite out of it.

 _“Shiro?”_ gasps Becky.  “But Shiro’s amazing, Matt!  He’s such a good pilot and he always brings snacks to the Asian Association club meetings!  Plus, the other day, he modelled for Gina’s life drawing class!”

“He sucks,” declares Matt.  “He’s a good student, sure, but he thinks he’s better than everyone else because of it.  He stares at me every time we get in the simulator together, like he fucking wants me to request a partner change or something.”

“You clearly haven’t given him enough of a chance,” huffs Becky.  “Let me know when you’re ready to be open-minded about the best guy in school.”  She had her tray filled with knockoff soylent and stomps off angrily.

“Wait, what?” says Matt.

“I think she just dumped you over Takashi Shirogane, buddy,” says the lunch server, slopping a pile of knockoff soylent on Matt’s plate.

\--

**SHIRO**

Matt slumps in the passenger seat of the simulator a few hours later after receiving a text confirmation from Becky that yes, they were broken up.

“Put that away and sit up,” says Shiro evenly.

“Get off my dick,” says Matt, rolling his eyes.

“Come on,” says Shiro.  “You need a distraction from getting dumped-” and how the fuck did Shiro know that when it had _just_ happened? “-so let’s finish the session before the after-hours simulator closes.”

“I’d enjoy this after-hours session a lot more if you weren’t my partner,” grumbles Matt under his breath.

“What?” says Shiro.

“How did you know I just got dumped?” says Matt.

“You read your texts out loud.  Now buckle up.  We’re going through the obstacle course again.”  Shiro pushes the throttle and they’re zooming in all different directions,

“Fuck yo-oOUUUUUUU,” yelps Matt, frantically using the claw hook machine to grab as many specimens as possible.  Because ugh, Shiro might be a jerk of a person, but he’s one hell of a pilot.

\--

**MATT’S ONE-NIGHT STAND**

“Hot damn,” says Matt, flopping onto his back.  He pulls the condom off his dick and tosses it in the direction of the trashcan.  It misses.

His one-night-stand snuggles into his side.  “Aren’t you going to throw that out properly, Matt?” says Gina.  She’s totally Matt’s type - smart and sexy and kind of bashful in bed - but she’s also kind of an ass.

“Nah,” says Matt.  “I’m basking in post-coital bliss.”

“You could just say afterglow like a normal person,” Gina rolls her eyes.

“And _that’s_ why you’re in line to be salutatorian and not valedictorian,” teases Matt, feeling the sweat cool on his skin in the open air.

“Whatever,” says Gina.  “It’s not like I would ever dream of taking that from Shiro, anyway.”

“You don’t hate him for being better than you?” says Matt.

“No, Shiro’s really nice!” she says like an asshole, because everyone who loves Shiro is an ass.  “It’s _Faust_ I hate; he’s this close --” she squeezes her thumb and forefinger, indicating a small space “-- to usurping my position as salutatorian.” Gina squints. “Do _you_ hate Shiro?”

“Yes!” says Matt emphatically. “I can’t believe I’m the only one who sees how much of an asshole he is to people not as good as him!”

“Maybe you should bone Shiro and fuck the hate out of your system,” says Gina.  Oh yeah.  Definitely an asshole.

“Maybe you should bone Faust and fuck the hate out of _your_ system,” says Matt.

 _“Ugh, no,”_ says Gina, rolling her eyes.  “That’s a terrible idea.”

\--

**KATIE**

It’s Sunday afternoon, which means all the students are free to leave the Garrison campus if they’re back by curfew.  Matt, for one, has taken the bus back home to see his parents and sister.  His parents are at the university and Katie is out walking their dog, Rover, when he arrives, so he just settles in and starts filling out forms.

“What are you working on?” says Katie.

“Jeez!” yelps Matt, leaping up from his seat on the couch.  Application papers fly everywhere.  “We should put a bell on you,” he says.

“You’re a giant baby,” says Katie.  She picks up a stack of sheets from the ground.  “Are these applications to the Kerberos mission?”

“Yeah, and early graduation applications.  I have enough course credits that I can graduate after fall semester in time to leave for the mission,” says Matt.

“That’s amazing, Matt,” says Katie.  “I’m proud of you.”

“Aww, thanks,” says Matt, reaching over and fluffing Katie’s hair.

“Hey!” she says, laughing and squirming.  “Tell me about the Garrison and what kind of shoes I’m going to have to fill.”

“Oh man,” says Matt.  “You’ll never guess who I got teamed up with for my flight simulation course.”

“Is it... Takashi Shirogane?” says Katie, clearly trying to hold back giggles.

“Him, and some first year prodigy that somehow got bumped into third year flight sim class.  How’d you know?” says Matt.

Katie burst into laughter.  “Well, you sent me thirty messages that basically summarise to _‘fucking shiro,'_ so I kind of figured.”

“Oh my god,” says Matt, burying his face into his hands.  “This guy straight up never offers to do team bonding exercises outside of classes as recommended, and yet we somehow manage to have the highest success rate in our class simulated missions.   _I hate him so much_.  Should I sneak into his room and put hair dye in his shampoo?  I should do that.”

Katie pats his shoulder.

\--

**KEITH**

“So where are we going for our date?” says Matt.

“Um,” says Keith, and stops and thinks.  “We can go on a romantic walk in the park, and then drinks at the smoothie bar down the street.  Just let me drop by my room first and pick up the flowers I have.”

“That’s really cute,” Matt says, “and the park and smoothies sound good.”  And then they get to Keith’s door.  “Wait,” says Matt.  _“Room Shirogane?_ You live with Shiro?  And - is that a _baby picture?_ ”

“Yeah, I live with my brother,” says Keith.  “You didn’t know that?  The baby picture is because Takashi is a dick.”

_“Shiro is your brother?"_

“I’m also Shiro,” grumbles Keith.  He ducks his head behind his closet, pulling out a bouquet of plastic flowers. “But yeah, we’re brothers.  You didn’t already know?”

“Oh my god,” says Matt, plopping down in a computer chair.  “No wonder you hero worship him.  Date’s cancelled, by the way.  I can’t date Shiro’s brother.  I mean, no offense; you’re great, but he’s _Shiro_.”

“Oh, good,” says Keith, chucking the flowers back into the closet.  “I was kind of saving those for someone else, but then Shiro saw her picture and thought it was you and got really excited about me dating you so you would be around more and demanded I ask you out _right now.”_

“Now I’m curious,” says Matt.  “Who’s the girl?”

“I met her last Sunday,” says Keith, flipping open a selfie on his phone.  Beside him in the picture is a cute person with a dog and a haircut just like Matt’s, and glasses just like Matt’s, and--

Matt gapes. “ _Dude_. Keith. That’s my sister.”

Keith squints.  “I don’t see the resemblance,” he says.

“She _literally got her hair cut like mine_ so she could be me for Halloween,” says Matt.  “Shiro apparently saw the resemblance.”

“I still don’t see it,” says Keith.

“Ugh, never mind,” says Matt, rolling his eyes.  “Just so you know, Katie’s not really a flowers person,” Matt adds. “Try a bundle of treats for our dog, instead.”

“Got it,” says Keith.  “Hey, do I really come off as hero worshipping Takashi?” Keith asks.  “Because I promise you I one hundred percent _don’t do that;_ I’m just following his orders as a team leader.”  Keith squints at Matt.  “Why’d you say yes to going on a date if you like my brother?”

“Uh, I _don’t._  I’m pretty sure I hate him, actually,” says Matt.

“Okay,” shrugged Keith. “Do you still want to go to the park and get smoothies?  We never hang out outside of class and it’s still Sunday.”

“Sure,” says Matt.

 

**SHIRO**

“You broke my brother’s heart,” snarls Shiro, backing Matt up against a wall in the Garrison gym.

Matt just folds his arms over his chest and rolls his eyes.  “I did no such thing!” says Matt.

“Look at him, exercising his pain away!” says Shiro, gesturing at Keith.  Keith is across the room, doing pull-ups.

“I’m fine!” Keith calls out, grunting as he pulls himself up for the umpteenth time .

“Listen to that!” Shiro says angrily in Matt’s face.  “Keith is _clearly heartbroken!"_

“Takashi!  Quit telling everyone I’m heartbroken!”

“Look,” says Matt, patting Shiro on the chest and _damn, those are some firm pecs,_ “we were barely on a date for maybe ten minutes when I found out that he’s your brother.  So really, this is your fault!  Besides, Keith is fine.  Maybe _you_ should get better at _listening.”_  Matt walks off smugly, leaving behind a fuming Shiro and a passively exercising Keith.

\--

**HUNK**

“Man, I’m so glad you dumped that asshole Keith for Hunk.  Hunk is way better than Keith and Keith totally deserves to get his heart broken!” says Lance around a mouthful of knockoff soylent.

“Keith isn’t an asshole,” says Hunk.  “Right, Matt?”

“He really isn’t,” agrees Matt, “and Keith is fine.  We just had, uh.  Some irreconcilable differences.”

“That makes it sound like you got a divorce,” laughs Hunk.  Matt snickers, too.

 _“Shiro,_ on the other hand--”

“Yes!” exclaims Lance. “I’ve been _dying_ to grill you on Shiro.” Lance has a wide, excited grin on his face.  “What’s it like getting to partner with such a great pilot?  Is it as awesome as it looks?  Does he really hold weekly tutoring sessions for people who want it?  And dude, I’m not Asian so I don’t go, but I hear he brings the _best_ snacks to the Asian Association club.”  At this point, Lance’s eyes are bulging and he’s speaking in a whisper.

“He does,” confirms Hunk, swallowing a bite of the food mash.

“Um,” says Matt.  “I... don’t really like Shiro.”

“What? Why?” says Lance.

Matt squirms in his chair. “Well, I’m not really sur--”

“Nope, never mind, it doesn’t matter.  Fuck you, man; Shiro’s my hero!” Lance says.  “You and Hunk can’t date anymore!  You’re broken up.”

“Uh, Lance?” says Hunk. “It’s my relationship.   _I’m_ the one who decides what happens.”

 _“He hates Shiro!”_ yells Lance.  The entire cafeteria turns to glare at them.  Lance swings himself off the cafeteria table and stomps away, leaving his tray behind on the table.  The eyes in the cafeteria follow Lance as he storms out the cafeteria.

“...Yeah, Lance has got a point,” says Hunk reasonably.  “I think Shiro’s pretty awesome too, and that kind of difference in opinion is a deal-breaker.  Sorry, dude.”

“It’s okay,” says Matt.  “Lance is right; Shiro is a pretty stand-up guy.  We just don’t get along.”  Matt shrugs, not even mad that Hunk just dumped him.

“Do you think Lance was overly critical?” says Hunk.  “I mean, I love the guy, but do you think that was too harsh?”

“Maybe you should consider dating Lance,” says Matt.

\--

Minutes later, Shiro walks into the cafeteria, jet black hair unchanged, because _god fucking dammit hair dye doesn’t work on dark hair ._

\--

**MATT’S TWO-NIGHT-STAND AND HER BOYFRIEND**

“I see you two have effectively boned the hate out of your systems,” snickers Matt, relaxing in bed between Gina and Faust.

“Shut the fuck up,” says Gina.  “Us banging means you have people to join in on your Shiro hate sessions now.”

“What do you mean?” says Matt.  “I thought you thought Shiro was cool.”

“Well, he’s still the world’s nicest guy,” says Gina.  “But now I’m dating Faust!”

“I don’t follow,” says Matt.

“See,” says Faust, who had been sleepily cuddling into Matt’s back for the past ten minutes, “there’s no competing with Shiro, so we used to try to usurp each other for the honour of being salutatorian.”

 _“Such_ an honour,” deadpans Matt.

“But now that I’m dating this one,” continues Faust, deliberately ignoring Matt’s statement and reaching over Matt’s torso to boop a giggling Gina affectionately on the nose, “I want us both to get speeches during commencement!”

“So fuck Shiro!” Gina says, grabbing Faust’s hand and kissing his palm.

“Wow,” says Matt, “that’s such a dick reason to hate someone. It’s not his fault he’s better than you in every way imaginable.”

“Don’t you also hate Shiro?” says Faust.

Matt shrugs.  “Eh,” he says.

“Oh man,” says Gina, “imagine if we had sex with Shiro.  Imagine if we _dated_ Shiro.  That would be _really hot.”_

“But he’s _better_ than us,” whines Faust.

“I feel very uncomfortable right now listening to you simultaneously objectify and trash talk Shiro,” declares Matt, “and I can’t quite pinpoint why.  But you guys are disgusting, so I think it’s time for me to do the walk of shame.”  He gets out of bed gingerly, picks up both used and discarded condoms, and drops them in the trash on his way out the door (still mostly naked).  He doesn’t miss this time.

“Okay, later!” says Faust, waving Matt out the door.

\--

**KATIE**

“You know, I think Shiro’s become less of a dick over the past few weeks,” says Matt at the weekly Holt family dinner.

“You’ve stopped texting me _every hour,”_ says Katie.

“It’s true,” pipes in Colleen.  “Our phone bill was cut straight in half this month.”

“I mean, he still _sucks,”_ says Matt.  “Just - you know.  Less.”

“Sure, Matt,” says Katie.

\--

**SHIRO**

from: beckytheintern@humanresources.galaxygarrison  
to: shiroganesucks@students.galaxygarrison

_TO MATTHEW IGNATIUS HOLT:_

_BASED ON YOUR PERFORMANCE AT THE GALAXY GARRISON ACADEMY AND YOUR OUTSTANDING APPLICATION, YOU ARE FORMALLY INVITED TO PARTICIPATE AS AN RESEARCHER ON KERBEROS._

_(FORWARDER’S NOTE: CONGRATULATIONS. YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT, YOU SHIRO-HATING DICK.)_

“Holy shit,” whispers Matt.  He doesn’t bother to read the rest of the email, because he’s in shock.  And then his phone pings with a text.

 **_Dad Holt:_ ** _I’m going to Kerberos!!!_

“Holy shit!” says Matt again.  He climbs outside of the simulator jet, Shiro and Keith following close behind.  “Sir,” he says to Iverson, “I’m feeling a little lightheaded and won’t be able focus on piloting.  I’m going to head to medical.”

Iverson scowls, but nods.

Outside, Keith glares.  “What the hell was that? You were fine five minutes ago!”

Matt rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.  “I just got some news, actually,” he says.  “I--”

He’s interrupted by a ping from Shiro’s phone.  “Oh my god,” says Shiro.  “I was just selected for the Kerberos mission.”

“Yeah, that,” says Matt.  “Me too.”  And then his brain processes.

 _“_ Holy shit,” says Shiro.

 _“Holy shit,”_ says Matt, for the third time in ten minutes.

“Congratulations,” says Keith.

\--

Shiro drags Matt to a mocktail bar that night by slinging an arm over Matt’s shoulders because he was _tall_ and apparently took advantage of that.  “Come on, Matt,” says Shiro, “I know you don’t like to go out, but we’re going to _Kerberos!_ ”

“I go out plenty,” says Matt. “Just not with you.”

“Rude,” says Shiro. “You’re such a dick, but you’re good at research and claw hook navigation, so that makes up for it.”  Shiro winks.  “It looks like all those after-hours sessions paid off, eh?”

Matt just stares at Shiro incredulously. “...I guess,” says Matt slowly.  “We’re a good team, if anything.”

“A great team,” agrees Shiro.  He frowns into his virgin Blue Lagoon, which is just lemonade and blue curacao. “Why don’t we hang out more?” he says.  “Apparently you actually like doing that.”

Matt is still staring at Shiro. “Because... you hate me?  And like, for _no reason,_ dude.”

“I... don’t hate you,” says Shiro.  “And I don’t think you’re better than me.  Where did you get that idea?”

“You keep criticising my claw work, and you never offer to do shit outside of classes with me and I’m always the one requesting after-hours practices, _and_ somehow you interpreted Keith and me agreeing to not go out as me breaking his heart, so clearly you’ve got something against me.”

Shiro stops and thinks.  “I guess that’s true,” says Shiro.  “But you critique my flying as well, and you actually go home to your family every free day we get, so I figured it was better to do extra practice or team bonding stuff on your schedule.  I didn’t realise you were waiting for me to say something.”

Damn, that actually does make sense.  Matt’s a busy dude.  But wait - “What about the blowing up at me about Keith thing?” says Matt.

“Right,” says Shiro.  “I was mad, I think.  Because I wanted to do be friends and it just wasn’t happening, so I figured if you and Keith got together, we’d get to know each other a little better?  In retrospect, I probably should have asked.  I guess I have to learn to communicate a little better.”

“You think?” says Matt, rolling his eyes.  “You thought I _broke his heart_ like he can't take care of himself or something.”

“I’m sorry for blowing up at you, Matt,” says Shiro.  “That was definitely a non-beauty move.”

Matt waves his hands airily.  “Forgiven, dude.  Besides, we’ll see each other a lot more!  We’ll be doing astronaut training, and Keith is dating my sister, and my dad is on the mission and he’ll probably drag you and Katie will draw Keith to family dinners, and between all of that, we’ll definitely get to know each other better.”

“Definitely,” agrees Shiro. “And - wait, Keith is dating _whom?”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> **A BRIEF CODA**
> 
> “You don’t want to walk at commencement, Matt?”
> 
> “You don’t want to walk at commencement, Shiro?”
> 
> “And have to write and give a valedictorian speech?  Of course not.”
> 
> Matt laughs. “Gina and Faust are going to be _thrilled_.”
> 
> \--
> 
> I tried to make shippy things happen but I couldn't make shippy things happen I'M SORRY OTL
> 
> Also, this is horrendously unbeta'd. I keep scrolling through to fix all the HTML hiccups and end up finding mistakes. :c


End file.
